My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
