Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
