Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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