In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
