I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
