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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
