i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
