May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
