ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
