Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
