hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
