I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
