So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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