I am midnight drunk by noon
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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