She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
