my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
