I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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