i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
