hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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