i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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