Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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