i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
