he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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