If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
