Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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