this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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