Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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