You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
