Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
