Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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