Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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