I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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