How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
