dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
