Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
