ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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