We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
