im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
