And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
