my phone needs a breathalizer
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Found the puke drawer
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
