You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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