I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
