just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
