Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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