But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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