i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
