I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
