note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
How's work?
Spinning.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I will be naked everywhere
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
