he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
