so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
