As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
