I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Banned from zoo.
Again?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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