Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
