Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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