My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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