im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize