Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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