Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
