well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
