I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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