I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
