in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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