I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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