i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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