I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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