Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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