Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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