So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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