As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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