i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
