I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
