its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
