My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
