Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
