she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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